I have been toying with the idea of doing a blog. Blog? About what? Well, I just thought I would share some of my thoughts on my life as a Mommy, a nurse, a Catholic, a wife... You know... All of the craziness that is life. Mainly, I thought of getting some of the mess out of my head and onto the screen so I could get a different perspective, and maybe share some of this road with folks that have a similar, or even not-so-similar situation. So, here goes!!
Sunday Feb 28, 2016
I graduated from nursing school 21 years ago. Wow! (I was, like 10 when I started, so...you do the math :-) But, I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Nursing and health care have changed a lot. When I stepped into this adventure, I wanted the "hard" patients. I wanted the adrenaline. I did the Cath Lab, ICU, Interventional Radiology, ICU, ER, ICU... See the pattern? I feel that in that time, I have made tiny differences in the lives of people I cared for, and their families. Honestly, it's hard not to have some kind of an effect on people when you are privileged to witness them at their most vulnerable. When people are ill, or hurting they are stripped down to the very essence of who they are. Maybe they try to cover it up by being withdrawn, or angry, or whatever. But those things are just our "human-ness" trying to make the situation go away. The "essence" is who they really are. The way God can see all of us all the time. The way we were when we were born, before we felt we needed to cover anything up. So, I tried to remember that great gift, and walk softly with them. I didn't always. I am sure I was the just-too-busy-to-stop nurse many times, or the not-now-I-am-on-my-way-somewhere-nurse. But I tried, especially in the last 10 years or so. I tried to be the look-you-in-the-eye nurse, and the tells-the-truth-nurse, and the even-when-you-don't-want-to-hear-it nurse. But it was also important that I could just connect with the HUMAN that I was caring for. Sometimes I was the reach out-and-touch-your-hand-nurse. Sometimes I prayed with them. That has been the biggest change for me from my "baby nurse" years to now. I am unafraid to share Spirit, and acknowledge that I am there for them, but they share control with something much larger than me. And that is when the picture became much bigger, and yet more focused. My Nurse-self, and my Spirit-self were working together. Super cool.
Yeah. That's a great gig. And it's not that I don't want to do those things, but the question has come up in my heart: Isn't there another way I could connect? Is there anything else I should be, or could be? Could I use the lessons I have learned in the University of Nursey-ness for something else? I have been feeling a a pull. A call. You know the one. It's the call you hear but pretend you don't. The one that finally rings for so long you just pick up the phone to MAKE IT STOP already!! And when you finally answer, you aren't sure what the person on the other end is saying... Oh for crying OUT LOUD! I answered the phone! Now what?!! I need a new phone...
But seriously, I have been talking with God about this for a while now. I thought I had it figured out. A job came up that allowed me to use what nursing has given me so far, to do something new and go in a different direction. I applied. And then I offered it up to God. If this was the plan, then I was happy to go along with it. And if it isn't, I am thankful for the experience. Honestly thankful. I say that because I have been guilty in the past of saying the words, but not really meaning them... I am sure no one else has ever prayed the things they think God wants us to say, but didn't truly feel it... Well, I confess, I did, on occasion. This time, however, I really did mean it. It looked like the right move for me, I was excited, the thought of it gave me life, but... It did't happen. I am bummed. But I'm not upset. I am just trying to discern where I go from here. And it isn't easy.
My decision for now, is to not decide. I am going to try to stay in the space of gratitude, and just be. If you know me at all, you know, that is a tall order. But... That truly is what I need to do. I know that. But, I am not too familiar with this just being thing. For now, I just keep seeing the scripture "Be Still and know I am God". It has always been a favorite of mine. But right now, I see it ALL. THE. TIME. So, that is the message. Kinda like a brick to the face, right God? Just wanted to make sure I heard you. I get it. And, I am listening.
So pray for me if you have a sec. I just need to stay in the Peace and Grace God has already provided for me. And really, that isn't all that uncomfortable, is it? Maybe it is unfamiliar but, I am kinda likin' it. And really, who doesn't need to just be once in a while?
